


Choosing sides

by Werekoala



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Adventure, Angst, Complicated Relationships, F/M, Falling In Love, Feelings, Love/Hate, Romance, Starship Enterprise (Star Trek), Unresolved Romantic Tension, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-10
Updated: 2016-05-23
Packaged: 2018-06-07 15:25:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6810943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Werekoala/pseuds/Werekoala
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Astrid Larsen is a young Ensign that takes her job very seriously. She definitely adores it and loves everything related to the Starfleet.<br/>Except James T. Kirk.<br/>She doesn't even know why she doesn't like him but she can't bring her to liking him or even appreciating him.<br/>Just because of her outstanding curriculum she is transferred to the Starfleet flagship as a sort of reward.<br/>Unfortunately, the captain of USS Enterprise is James T. Kirk...<br/>How will she handle this new situation?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. What else can go wrong?

**Author's Note:**

> This story begins when Jim Kirk is appointed captain of Enterprise after saving Captain Pike from Nero. 
> 
> \----
> 
> English isn't my native language. Please be kind. :) All the chapters are in the process of being beta read and reworked. 
> 
> This story begins as T rated but will more than likely evolve into a M rated.

\- Seriously? Jim will be appointed as commander of Enterprise? – Astrid stared at Roa in disbelief.

\- Yes! It’s today’s breaking news, could you believe it? – The young Orion Ensign smiled back at the stunned girl.

Astrid stood up pacing back and forth her small apartment living room gesticulating: - That intolerable bullshitter! How did he do it?

Roa shook her head, folded her arms and leaned against the wall looking at her friend; she knew that Astrid harboured a strong aversion for James T. Kirk although she didn’t understand the cause. The young officer’s exuberant attitude couldn’t be the only cause for it but Astrid never revealed anything else.  
The Orion girl added hesitantly: - And we must all go to his appointment ceremony… - Her voice lowered to a whisper.

\- Yes, of course! –Astrid exclaimed harshly. – So everybody can see him brag around with his brand new insignia on his shoulders. Brilliant!

Roa moved forward shaking her head: - I don’t understand why you dislike him so much! He has never done anything to you! Ok, he’s a boaster but he isn’t that unpleasant, c’mon! He saved Captain Pike, the Enterprise and all her crew and well, I just think that he well deserved the command.

Astrid waved her left hand writing the subject off:  - When are we supposed to attend the magnificent ceremony?

\- Tomorrow morning and I really think your absence is out of discussion. – Roa gave up trying to make Astrid see the point that Jim Kirk hadn't been the worst of all cadets.

\----

Astrid got ready for the ceremony with the same state of mind of a funeral; she would have liked to be thousands of miles away, perhaps in another galaxy than attending that stupid ceremony and then being forced to see James Kirk smiling around showing his brand new stars off. She shuffled among the other cadets taking her seat next to Roa. The big hall was filling up with people who were chattering and exchanging smiles and handshakes.

\- You could look a little bit happier, couldn’t you? – Roa reproached her softly following her movement with her eyes.

\- I don’t see why. I am here, it should be enough! – Astrid sat stiffly and obviously at her unease at her seat.

The ceremony began only a bunch of moments after; the buzzing in the hall stopped abruptly when Admiral Barnett recalled the facts mentioning the heroic sacrifice of George Kirk, Jim’s father, when he allowed his crew to escape death by dying himself. He then described how James equalled him in the successful attempt of saving the Enterprise, her crew and Captain Pike.  
Jim was standing proudly in front of him in his red cadet uniform; although Astrid didn’t like his normal attitude, she had to convene that he was looking gorgeous in the morning light. James T. Kirk was more than aware of his attractive look and he never felt guilty to take advantage of it, that was probably one side of his that she hated most.  
James was honoured and given the command of Enterprise and then it was all over. Astrid heaved a sigh, then stood up and followed the flow outside the hall: - Short ceremony, I really appreciated it. – She nodded walking slowly besides Roa leaving Jim behind her to receive the compliments of his crew.  
James T. Kirk was only a couple of years her senior but because of his outstanding  (yet rather unruly) curriculum, he had literally climbed all the ranks attaining the command of a ship at a very early age while she was still an Ensign.

\- Are you coming to the pub this evening? – Roa smiled at her. – You really look in dire need of some fun! – She gently elbowed her.

\- Do I? – Astrid exclaimed trying to figure out what kind of look was one of a person in dire need of fun. – Do I look so miserable?

Her friend nodded and winked: - Yes, you look like you’ve just attended a funeral. Come on! We’ll have fun and hopefully, you will meet someone to cheer you up!

\----

Dumping the uniform for civilian clothing was in itself a reason to feel better. Although she really loved the Starfleet uniform, she sometimes felt the urge for something more creative. She wasn’t ugly at all, one could even call her good looking: slender body, mid length dark blonde hair, fair and smooth skin, Ensign Astrid Larsen looked totally Norwegian except for those large, hazel eyes.  
Roa was probably right, she needed some fun so she spent some extra time picking up the right outfit for the evening finally deciding to wear a black miniskirt, dark red top and a pair of boots, simple clothes that made her feel totally at her ease. She felt very satisfied with the airbrushed make up that enhanced her delicate features and dark eyes. Roa came at her place to meet her;  the bronze make up she had applied made her green skin even more eye-catching. She looked fabulous.  
\- Woah! Have you decided to break all the hearts of the Starfleet officers, Roa? – She giggled scanning her friend from tip to toe.

The Orion girl spun around: - Am I fabulous or not? But don’t worry…  - She stopped and stared at Astrid smiling mischievously: - I’ll leave the charming captain for you!

Astrid gently pushed her without losing her good mood:  - Don’t tell nonsense, Roa! I don’t want him!

The pub was already full of people, mostly Starfleet officers and cadets sitting at the tables or the counter having fun, dancing and laughing. The two girls walked in and scanned the place in search of a table, a group of other three girls drew their attention and invited them at their table not far from the counter: - Ehy girls! Come here! – They shifted on the benches to make space for them.

\- Hello girls! – Astrid sat between Jaxx and Lucinda. – How are you?

 - We arrived no later than ten minutes ago, it seems that tonight all the Starfleet is here. – Lucinda answered loudly trying to be understood despite the loud music.

\- That’s better! Our Astrid needs some fun! – Roa giggled looking at her friend from across the table. – She didn’t appreciate today’s ceremony.

\- Come on, Astrid! – Jaxx shook her head. – It was moving! And Jim was amazing. – Jaxx never hid her admiration for jim Kirk and her hope to draw his interest.

\- You’re obviously interested in him, you would appreciate him even if he did the impression of a penguin! – Astrid jokingly rebuked her while taking the menu and read it. – I am going to the counter to order our drinks, what’s your pick? – She gathered her friends orders and stood up walking to the counter through the mass of patrons. She drew the attention of the bartender and listed all the drinks, as soon as she ended, a merry voice called her.

\- Ensign Larsen! What a surprise to see you here! – Astrid spotted Jim Kirk smiling at her raising a glass of whiskey.  – Will you join us? – The young captain was surrounded by some of his closest friends as well as members of his crew:  Lt. Commander Scott, Ensign Chekov and another couple of Enterprise officers.

\- No thanks. – She answered dryly shifting her look to the shelves full of bottles behind the counter.

-  Aren’t you glad for my promotion? Come on, only one drink! – Jim winked walking closer to her.

\- I am not alone. – She answered turning her face to the table where her friends were watching her banter with him. They waved their hands somehow showing her that they were supporting her.

\- Nice party, what about joining us, all of you? – Jim didn’t seem put off by her cold attitude.

\- Thanks  but no thanks, we are ok. – She smiled at him sarcastically, grabbed the small tray with all the drinks and walked back to her table.

Roa didn’t even allow her to speak, she grabbed her drink and merrily proclaimed that she had been a girl of her word by leaving “the charming captain” all for her.  
Astrid avoided to make eye contact with him for the whole evening although they were only a few metres away, she could hear his hearty laugh bursting every one and then, his voice taking funny pitches when answering his colleagues’ remarks but she carefully avoided any potential risk of being called again into his group.

\- He’s one of the youngest captains and he commands the Starfleet flagship…. Woah, he must be such a man! – Jaxx pointed her elbows on the table, rested her chin on her hands and stared at him in awe.

\- He’s just plainly lucky – Astrid took a sip of her drink shrugging that actual notable achievement off. – And you shouldn’t stare at him this way! – She scolded her friend softly. – He isn’t going to see you…

\- You’re so unpleasant! – The young Caitian girl purred. – If you don’t like him this doesn’t mean that nobody must like him!

Despite Jim’s presence, the evening passed pleasantly and the girls came back to their lodgings quite late.

\----

She was still sleeping tight when her communicator started buzzing, it took her some seconds to locate it on the bedside table and answer sleepily. The message made her jump literally on the bed, rush to get herself ready and show at the office of Admiral Pike.

She was standing in front of his desk, silently while the high-ranking officer was slowly riffling through her file. Admiral Christopher Pike had an impressive expertise and had barely escaped death at least half a dozen times, the last of which just a few weeks before when Jim Kirk rescued him from the hands of Romulan villain Nero. Yet, his attitude was so relaxed and kind that it was impossible to feel really intimidated by him.

\- Ensign Larsen… - His attentions still focused to the open file on his monitor. – I see here your curriculum is definitely outstanding. Captain Jackson describes you as an excellent xenogeologist, very much devoted to your job, brilliant and never disheartened by adversities. – He nodded shifting his look on her.

\- Captain Jackson is too kind. – Just a hint of a smile on her face.

\- I don’t think so. He is not a person of easy compliments. Your work onboard USS Farragut has been exceptional so I think it is time for you to move on. – Admiral Pike’s gaze was fixed on her. – So I will transfer you to USS Enterprise under the command of Captain Kirk. The USS Enterprise crew is made up of people as young you as you, Ensign, I am sure you will find the environment much more exciting and stimulating than on USS Farragut.

\- Sir, I am not sure I am so good to be employed on our flagship.- That wasn’t actually her main concern, indeed.

\- Nonsense… - Admiral Pike stood up and ambled towards her. – You’ll do fine. Tomorrow morning report to Captain Kirk on the USS Enterprise for assuming your position.

Astrid didn’t show her uneasiness, she simply kept standing still, nodding slightly: - Yes, Sir.

\- Good luck, Ensign Larsen. – Captain Pike smiled at her before dismissing her.

Anyone else would have been happy and honoured to serve on the USS Enterprise but she wasn’t one of them. The simple idea of being forced to obey Jim Kirk’s orders was enough to spoil her entire day. Still she didn’t know why she displeased him so much: maybe it was because of that brazen attitude, maybe because he was an impenitent womanizer or maybe because he was plainly allergic to rules.  
Anyway, she couldn’t obviously turn out an order from an admiral so the best she could do was to prepare herself to her new challenge.

 


	2. Fate's cards

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Astrid is assigned to USS Enterprise but her first months don't pass smoothly.   
> Her marked dislike for Captain Kirk causes his reaction and the relation between the two sours all at once.   
> Once back to Earth from a mission, they try to make up.

\- Captain. I ask permission to come aboard. – Astrid stepped out from the turbolift stopping just beyond the threshold.

Jim shifted on the seat to look at her, a slight, amused smirk appeared on his face: - Permission granted, Ensign. 

The girl noticed that mischievous look but pretended the opposite. She approached and handed him her transfer authorization.

\- Exogeologist… - Jim muttered while taking a glance at the authorization. – Specialization in exochemistry. Impressive, Ensign! – He looked at her and nodded. – Welcome on board!

\- Thank you, Captain. - Astrid stood still waiting for the order to move and reach her new cabin and laboratory but she was thinking how intolerable that man was. He had no need to waste time pretending to read her references, he knew her well enough to already know her specialization. After all, they attended the Academy in the same time, Jim being barely one year and half ahead. 

\----

The first months onboard passed quietly, just a row of simple missions on friendly planets where she could collect samples to study. The USS Enterprise was really a world apart populated by young and passionate people. Quite reluctantly, Astrid had to convene that James Kirk really knew how to keep the crew together and motivate it. He might have seemed an intolerable bragger but he really had the makings of a leader.   
Apart from that mischievous smirk the first day of her new assignment, Jim behaved with her in a way she had never expected.   
It was only on the way back from a short mission to Denebola IV that he talked to her in a more personal way: - So, Astrid, how do you feel after your first months onboard Enterprise? – Jim wasn’t even looking at her, his gaze was focused beyond the large screen, deep into the black space, his arms clasped behind his back.

\- Very well, Captain. This is really an amazing ship! – She nodded standing a few meters beside him. 

\- You did a very good job and I am going to confirm you onboard with Admiral Pike. I hope this pleases you! – He turned his head and flashed a smiled to her. 

\- It is not me to be pleased, Sir, you are the Captain and the one who knows who is fit for this ship. – Despite Jim’s mischievous smile, she strived to keep a cool and professional demeanour. 

Jim wrinkled his nose: - Come on, Astrid! Don’t be so formal, it’s only me and you here and we’ve been knowing from the Academy. I am just trying to be nice! 

She heaved a deep sigh, then walked down the small relax room leaning against the wall a few meters from the door. – Am I free to speak as if you weren’t my captain? 

\- Sure! – He turned on his heels to watch her, moved a few steps placing his hands on the back of a chair. 

\- Very well. I am not expecting any courtesy from you, Jim, only because we attended Academy the same years. – That conversation was beginning to become a bit uneasy. 

\- It’s not courtesy! –He reacted, his smile waned from his face. – It’s plain reality. And I was trying to be kind. But if you don’t want me to be so, it’s fine with me.- He straightened his back recovering his cool professional manners: - You can go, Ensign. 

Astrid noticed the change immediately: Jim’s bright, blue eyes became cold all at once as if he had no longer recognized her. She nodded standing at attention: - Yes, Sir. – She left immediately unable to stand that coldness one more second. 

Astrid was grateful that the journey to Earth from Denebola IV was short because Jim was making a hell of her days. All at once it seemed like none of her reports were ok, there was always something missing, even slight things that a person like Jim Kirk wouldn’t have even noticed. Jim’s manners were cold, professional, he never pushed them to the extreme causing her to cry for her alleged fails but anyway, he made her feel unsuitable for that position. She really never imagined he could be so cynical but there was also something different, something more that popped up from that unusual behaviour. Jim wasn’t only a damn, cynical bastard but he was acting like a true leader, an alpha male demanding only the best. He was determined, strong, a true man. She found herself thinking of it more times, there was something definitely seductive in that behaviour, something that she absolutely wanted to ignore. 

As soon as they returned home and the crew was given a short licence, she immediately rushed to her apartment feeling bitterly disappointed. Roa met her immediately to know everything about her mission on the Enterprise.   
Astrid’s small apartment was adorable: a perfect mix of European and American style, bright and quiet. It was located in the section of the city where most of the Starfleet officers had their homes, that meant that also Jim Kirk was living a mere five minutes away from her place.

\- Who would imagine Jim Kirk is such an asshole! – Roa exclaimed while turning the teaspoon in her tea after listening to Astrid’s story. – Was he expecting you to kiss his feet just for showing you kindness? 

\- I don’t want his kindness! I only want to be treated the right way but after that conversation… Oh my God! He began to act like a true jerk! Commander Spock looked more human than him, just to say!

The young Orion girl sipped her tea shaking her head: - What are you doing now? Ask to be reassigned? 

\- No way! I am not giving him this satisfaction! I’ll keep doing my job and he will grow bored of getting on my nerves. – Astrid smiled and then winked: - Let’s stop talking about him. We have ten days ahead us, let’s have fun!

\----

The Starfleet headquarters and the city were so big that there weren’t many chances that Astrid and Jim could meet. This, of course, if the fate did not play its cards.   
That was precisely the case when, a couple of days before leaving again for a new mission, Astrid entered that small pub only 15 minutes away from her home. She was alone, no uniform, no insignia, only a pretty young girl wrapped in a black, short coat who needed some time for herself.   
She didn’t even make to the counter when a well-known voice greeted her: - Looks like we are fated to meet in front of a counter! – Jim was leaning on the polished surface with a glass of beer in front of him. No friends around, he appeared to be as alone as she was. He was wearing a simple blue t-shirt under a dark leather jacket and a pair of trousers. At a first sight he could seem a simple cadet so young he was. 

\- Captain! – She nodded stopping in front of the counter caring to keep the distance from him.

\- C’mon Astrid! We are not on duty and then… do you really want to go on with this story still for long? - He sneered and sipped his beer. 

\- It’s not me, Jim. Who started everything? – Their acquaintance was rather weird: they could consider themselves as friends and as such treat each other but in the same time, he was her superior so she was wondering if calling him by name was right.

He didn’t care. He grabbed his beer and approached her leaning again against the counter: - I don’t think I owe you any explanation. – Despite his words being rather harsh, his tone was soft. – But what about if we start over everything from the beginning? – He shrugged and sipped his beer again. – Don’t you think that working in this way would be rather difficult? - He smiled at her again like if he had forgotten anything happened up to that moment. 

Jim was unusually kind and she thought that she could take the occasion, why not? In that moment they weren’t a Commander and an Ensign, they were simply Jim Kirk and Astrid Larsen. She nodded and smiled shyly. – Yes, let’s do it. 

He grabbed his beer and sat at a table near the wall: - Come here, it’s more comfortable. – He followed her movement and smiled when she sat in front of him: - Now, tell me something about you, Astrid… your surname is something Scandinavian, isn’t it? 

She was surprised by his knowledge:- I didn’t know you knew Scandinavian surnames! 

He smirked keeping his gaze into her eyes a little longer. His eyes were incredibly blue, the bluest she had ever seen in all her life. Jim Kirk was definitely gorgeous but she didn’t want this small detail to bias her idea of him although he was revealing quite a charming side of himself, much more cultured than she had ever imagined.   
Hours passed by without her being aware of it; they talked a lot about themselves, their life and experiences. They laughed a lot and Jim behaved like a gentleman, not even a wrong word or gesture in all those three hours they spent at that table.   
\- I think I should go back home… - She finally said trying to stand up. The world seemed to wobble around her, she muttered something and lowered her gaze on the few empty glasses on the table. – I am afraid I am not feeling too well.. – She groaned grasping the back of her seat, her stomach seemed like jumping up to her throat.   
Jim approached her helping her to put on her coat: - Too much beer, I suppose. Come on, I help you… - He gently grabbed her arm helping her to reach the front door.   
The cool air of the night helped clear her mind a little bit: - How do you feel? – He politely asked. 

\- Better… Well, I think… - She smiled at him embarrassed because of that awkward situation. 

\- I am taking you home, where do you live? – He courteously allowed her to lean against him and folded his arm around her back to help her stride.   
She was tipsy enough to think that from a distance, they could even look like a couple of lovers. – Just 15 minutes from here but I can go alone. – She tried to escape his embrace but the world started wobbling again as soon as she was only on her feet, Jim was quick to embrace her again.   
The evening was warm, incredibly sweet. They chatted a little more on the way home but when they finally reached Astrid’s front door, an awkward silence fell between them.  
\- Well…So… Thank you for taking me home. I actually don’t know how I could have reached it without you. I would have probably ended up by sleeping on a bench in the park… - She giggled

Jim stared at her smirking: - No need to thank me, Astrid, it’s been a pleasure. Maybe we should repeat the evening out… - He let her go but did not move away from her. They were so close to each other she could smell the strong, male scent of his perfume, a seductive mix of leather, vetiver and nutmeg. 

\- Yes… we could… - She whispered, her mind a little more clear thanks to the fresh air, for a reason she didn’t know, she found extremely hard to shift her gaze elsewhere and stop looking at Jim’s blue irises. She smiled awkwardly, then busied herself searching the card of the door in her bag. – I… I think it’s better if you go, Jim… 

\- Yes… You’re right. – He also seemed to recover from a moment of total enchantment. – Good night, Astrid! – He smiled once more before waving his right hand, put it in the pocket of his jacket and leave. 

She felt too tipsy to stop and think of what had just happened: all what she wished was a shower and a good, tight sleep and that’s exactly what she did.


	3. What happens on Nibiru should stay on Nibiru

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Enterprise is sent to planet Nibiru to observe the activity of a volcano that will more than likely wipe out the local population.   
> Jim doesn't agree with just witnessing an entire species annihilation and Astrid helps him with a plan that doesn't end as it should.   
> The setbacks of their plan will help Astrid see a new side of Jim.

Astrid woke up with a pounding  headache. Shegroaned while she tried to put her feet on the cold pavement, then she ruffled her hair and slowly stood up. The morning light stung her eyes like a million pins. The image of herself that the bathroom mirror sent her back was appalling: pale and disheveled. She definitely needed a new shower, possibly a cold one and a good half an hour to do a good make up job only to be presentable enough to stick her nose outside the front door.   
It was only after the shower and while trying to apply a sheer layer of foundation that she remembered what happened the evening before.

\- Crap! – She burst, the foundation brush halfway in the air. – Crap!!  Did I really spend the evening with Jim Kirk? I was seriously drunk! – She shook her head resuming her foundation layering. Despite trying to find a good reason to say he behaved like a jerk, she didn’t find any. Jim’s behaviour had been impeccable and even worse, she even had agreed to meet him again! Then she reminded that they would have left Earth for a new mission in only a couple of days so maybe, there wouldn’t have been enough time for a date.  She decided to keep that unexpected meeting for herself without even telling anything to Roa, she didn’t fancy her bantering.   
Taking her clothes from the evening before she noticed a faint fragrance lingering on them, strong and masculine. She breathed it in poking her nose in the coat, closing her eyes  and for a split second she was tempted to call him and invite him out that same evening.   
No way! She wouldn’t have done it, Jim was probably expecting something alike and she wouldn’t have given him the certainty that she was like any other woman.

The next two days, Jim literally disappeared but she was pretty sure that he was arranging the terms of the new mission. She didn’t know whether to feel relieved or disappointed for not seeing him again before going back to the Enterprise.

\----

Jim changed his attitude toward her when the Enterprise left for her new mission. He stopped bullying her with his continuous remarks on her job that was otherwise perfect. On the other hand, he also seemed to forget their evening out and the long chat they had along with his wish to meet again.   
Again, she couldn’t understand her own feelings; she was afraid of finding herself disappointed because of his forgetfulness but she didn’t even want to look like any other woman he had met so far.   
Their new mission was to reach a class M planet called Nibiru where a volcano was threatening the local civilization and simply observe what would have happened.   
She was working in her laboratory when the intercom buzzed: - Ensign Larsen, this is Captain Kirk speaking. Please come to the meeting room, thank you. – The Captain’s voice was very professional showing that something very important was going on.   
She reached the meeting room located several levels above in a matter of minutes and entered it: Captain Kirk was there along with Commander Spock sitting at the long table.  
\- Ensign Larsen, please, come in… - There was no smirk on Kirk’s face, no wonder there was no emotion at all on Spock’s. - Take a seat. – Kirk invited her. – You know about our current mission, don’t you, Ensign? – He sounded so professional, so much that it looked almost weird to Astrid’s eyes.

\- Yes, Sir. – Astrid took seat on a chair properly far from both officers looking at them trying to disguise her puzzled look.  – We are heading to Nibiru to observe the behaviour of an active volcano that is likely to erupt. – She answered efficiently.

\- Right. – Jim nodded showing clear appreciation for that prompt and sure reply. – Commander Spock and I were discussing about the possibility of saving the local civilization in case the volcano will erupt…

\- Sir, I beg your pardon… - Astrid interrupted him politely. – the Prime Directive forbids us from intervention…

Spock nodded: - As I told you, Captain…. We cannot do anything…

\- Come on, Spock… - Jim sounded rather annoyed by his Commander’s irresistible tendency to mention rules and regulations. – There must be a way to possibly save that civilization without being seen.

Astrid frowned and looked at him rather questioningly. Jim typed something on the pad in front of him, a scheme of Nibiru appeared on the screen just on the other side of the room. – This is the situation, Ensign Larsen, the volcano is more than likely about to erupt and if this happens, the entire civilization of Nibiru will be wiped out. – While he was speaking, the scheme rotated showing the deadly effects of the eruption over the entire planet. – We need to know exactly how many probabilities there are that this volcano is going to erupt and if this happens, how we can stop it from erasing all the living beings on the surface. – Jim was staring at her but his look was so different than the one he reserved her some evenings before.

\- I see… - Astrid examined the moving scheme carefully. – Do we have information about the composition of volcanic rocks of Nibiru?

\- Yes, we do. – Commander Spock’s voice sounded totally plain.

\- Very well! I am going to study it and find a possible solution  but still, Captain, I urge you to remind the Prime Directive…

\- Fine! The fastest you can give us an answer, the better. We are already en route to Nibiru. – Jim stopped her and waved his left hand: - It is better if you start working on it immediately, Ensign…  - That was clearly his way to discard her. – Thank you for your help.- He added nodding at her without smiling.

Although she worked all night finding a solution, she was quite energetic when, the morning after, she presented the result of his work to Captain Kirk. – Captain… - She approached him on the bridge deck. – Here is what I have come up to… - She handed the small tablet to Jim who took it with a nod.

\- Very well, follow us, Ensign. Commander Spock, with me, please! – The three headed to the meeting room. Astrid’s heart was pounding hardly: she knew that they were doing something wrong. Her plan was basically interfering with Nibiru’s natural evolution and should the Starfleet knew about it, they all would have faced very serious consequences. Nevertheless, like everybody onboard Enterprise, she had found herself in the position of being unable to refuse to obey an order from Captain Kirk. As she had noticed immediately, Jim really knew how to motivate his crew, unite it and make it follow his decisions even when they were wrong.

Jim sat at the head of the table, Commander Spock just one seat away. The Captain tapped on the tabled: -So, Ensign Larsen, please tell us what is your plan.

Astrid sat further from them, heaved a deep sigh and cleared her mind before starting to explain her idea. She keyed something on the pad in front of her: a list of formulas appeared on the large screen of the meeting room: - So, this is the formula of Nibiru’s lava and volcanic rock. As you see, it is very close to the same matters found on Earth. This allows us to manipulate them with a good level of self-confidence. – The screen showed another series of formulas derived from the first ones.- We can build a portable device that will blow up causing an impulse that will transform the lava literally freezing it. This will stop the volcanic activity immediately and the volcano will never more be a danger.  – The screen showed the effects of the device.

Jim nodded, a little smirk appeared on his full lips. – Very well, Ensign, a very clever idea…

\- Thereis one problem, Sir… - Astrid answered hesitantly bringing herself to explain it when both Jim and Spock looked at her waiting for her to go on. – The device must be physically brought into the volcano, that means that someone must go there…  - She gulped silently waiting someone to tell her that that was a suicide.

Jim and Spock looked at each other, then Spock asked with his always cool and unsettling voice: - How many probabilities do we have that this device will work?

Astrid always felt rather uneasy when she spoke to the Commander Spock, he looked like he was always judging people. She gulped again: - Well…. If we can drop the device into the volcano, I would say we have 100% chances to freeze it forever.

Spock nodded: - Fine! I’ll take the device into the volcano.

The girl looked at him in astonishment: he was not only accepting her plan but even proposing to be part of it.

In the next hour, the three came up with a plan to draw the Nibirians away from the small temple they had built just under the volcano and to have a shuttle fly to the volcano to drop Spock and the device into it. It sounded a clever plan.

\----

The plan was surely a good one but the Fate decided to shuffle cards again. While Enterprise successfully entered the planet atmosphere and laid hidden on the bottom of the alien sea and Jim and Bones managed to draw the Nibirians far from their temple, things didn’t go so fine for Spock, Sulu and Uhura who headed to the volcano to drop the device into it.   
The intense volcanic activity caused the cable that tied Spock to the shuttle to break. The Commander landed somehow safely on a rock surrounded by roaring lava.   
Astrid was on the bridge deck when Captain Kirk and Mc Coy returned from their mission on the surface, they were still wearing their wetsuit, of course there was no time to put on the uniform.  She witnessed all the attempts to save Commander Spock trapped into the volcano at a mere few seconds away from the blast. The heat was hindering the use of the transporter and the communication between Spock and the ship was worsening more and more. She was silent, pale, feeling guilty for what was going to happen. After all, the idea of sending someone with an explosive device into a raging volcano had been hers. She didn’t even feel like looking at Nyota who was heroically trying to keep her head clear. Everybody knew about her relationship with Commander Spock; Astrid had wondered many times how she could manage a relationship with someone apparently devoid of any feeling.

\- We are trying to save you! – Jim shouted at the intercom trying to persuade Spock that the only way to save him was to emerge from the sea even if the Nibirians had seen them. As predictable, Spock was absolutely unmovable but Jim Kirk could be even more stubborn than him and ordered the ship to emerge and reach the volcano so that Spock could be beamed up.

The volcano never erupted, the device worked perfectly. Spock was saved and the Nibirians saw a spacecraft that shouldn’t have been in their sea.   
There was a joyful  atmosphere that evening, the crew seemed even more united although as expected, Spock wasn’t so happy to be saved because that had been breaking the Prime Directive.

\- Excellent job, Ensign! – Jim shook her hand in front of all the bridge deck personnel  miling at her heartily. His grasp was strong, just the one you would expect from a man like him and sent a jolt throughout Astrid.

\- Thank you, Sir. – She nodded and smiled. Her opinion about him had become very confused: throughout their years at the Academy, she had got quite a negative idea of him. She had though he was a childish boaster whose only interests where pub fights and women. She would have never ever imagined he really had such a gift for command. Her idea of him was slowly shifting from that of an over confident redneck to that of a strong, resolute young man.


	4. Demotion and Emotion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim faces the consequences of his decision to save Nibiru.  
> Astrid feels guilty for his demotion and meets him in a pub to apologize but Jim's reaction is totally unexpected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the length of this chapter but it was so hard to stop typing...

As soon as the Enterprise returned to Earth, the entire crew was given some days off. Astrid was unsure whether to stay in San Francisco or go back to Norway to see her family. A kind of supernatural feeling told her to stay. Of course, nobody had to know about what happened on Nibiru: as per the Captain’s log, nothing important had occurred there.

She didn’t see Jim for several days after their return, it was as if he had literally disappeared from the world. She got to learn the reason when Roa showed up suddenly at her place. The girl rushed inside the small apartment as soon as Astrid opened the door: - Tell me you have nothing to do with it! – She said even before greeting her friend.

Astrid looked at her dumbfounded: - What are you talking about? – She walked in the living room sitting on the small, white couch, crossed her legs and glared at her friend.

Roa sank into the opposite couch: - Jim Kirk has been demoted. Tell me you have nothing to do with it. – She proclaimed glaring at her friend.

\- Roa, what the hell are you saying? – Astrid felt a shiver going up her spine but she feigned the coolest attitude she could.

\- I am saying that you, guys, did some mess somewhere and Jim Kirk is no longer the Captain of Enterprise. Now, what I want to know is that you have nothing to do with whatever you have done over there. – Roa was obviously very shaken, she was twisting her hands and her green skin appeared paler than usual.

\- Well… I suppose that if something happened over there, then it’s on every member of the crew… - Astrid replied coolly trying to disguise her own angst.

\- Come on, Astrid! It’s not the moment for splendid mottos! If they demoted Jim, what can they do to you if they find out you are involved! – Roa raised her voice.

Astrid sprang on her feet: - Enough, Roa! There is nothing to say. I am sure the Captain has explained everything in the best way possible!

The young Orion girl stared at her in half amazement: - Sorry… - She squinted and shook her head:  - I am not sure I have heard you right. Did you say “Captain has explained everything in the best way possible”? From when you began to deem Jim Kirk fit for the position of Captain? – Her lips curled in an amused smile: - A few weeks in space with him have done miracles!

Despite Roa being her best friend, Astrid felt a pang of annoyance at her cheeky attitude. Something in herself was also telling her that her friend wasn’t wrong: those few weeks away on the Enterprise really changed partially her idea about him.- Don’t say nonsense! – She replied harshly: - He’s my Captain, whether I like it or not. I am sure any member of his crew would act the same. – She ambled in the small living room now filled with a warm sunset light. – I must gather more information, please… leave me alone!  
She knew that she was treating her friend rather harshly but all at once, she felt the urge to contact Jim and tell him how much she was sorry for proposing him such a deranged plan. Nobody had contacted her so she was rather sure that he didn’t mention anyone else involved in the plan and he took all the blame on himself. That was another behaviour that she had never expected from him. There was another question that popped up in her mind: how could the Starfleet know about what really had happened on Nibiru if the Captain’s log didn’t show any special entry?

Roa stood up, her face showed regret for her behaviour: - I am sorry, Astrid. I didn’t mean to make fun of you. I am only very worried for you… - She looked at her friend with a funny face.

Astrid smiled and embraced her for a few seconds: - It’s all ok. Don’t worry, it will be fine.

\----

She had to find Jim and speak to him, learn what happened and what would happen to him.  
She knew that he liked to spend some time alone in a pub downtown San Francisco, one of those holes she would have never walked in if not for an emergency like that one. She put on the less eye-catching clothes she found: a pair of dark trousers, black leather boots, a white cashmere jumper and her black coat, then took a taxi and headed to the pub.  
As soon as she walked in, her nose was hit by a strong smelling odour of beer and smoke. The light was rather dim, pink and blue neon in the shape of a beer brand was flashing on the far left wall while the lights around the counter seemed like an island in a black sea. She didn’t look at anyone, just scanned the place in search of him. She found him sitting on a footstool, bent on a glass full of something. He was wearing civilian clothing: a black leather jacket on a black jumper, black trousers. An all-black outfit that was probably reflecting his mood.  
She gingerly approached him and sat just besides him: -Hi, Jim… - She decided to call him by name, on the other hand, what else to call him? “Captain” wasn’t available any more.

He slowly turned his head to watch her and frowned: - What are you doing here? – Although his voice didn’t show any real annoyance, he looked rather surprised and probably not in a positive way.

\- I’ve heard what happened…- She added still rather wavering.

\- Yes… it’s the news of the day! – He raised the glass and swallowed all the content in only one gulp. Then raised one finger to call the bartender and show him he wanted another one of the same kind. – What do you take?

\- A beer, thanks… - She answered looking at him while he ordered their new drinks. He looked so much older, now. She could even spot tiny wrinkles under his eye, probably the result of too little sleep.  – Jim…I am so sorry… -She whispered.

He eyed at her for only a split second before nodding at the bartender who had just served their orders:  - For what? – Despite the setback, his voice sounded eerily calm.

\- For proposing you such a stupid plan. It’s all my fault…. Everything that happened… And…

Jim shook his head and stopped her with the same, resolute manners he had to command the Enterprise:  - Enough, Astrid. It’s not your fault. I am not blaming you. We did the best thing and I am still sure of this.

She sipped her beer thinking about the next question: - Now? What will happen?

He folded his arms on the counter and shook his head shrugging and looking at the glass in front of him: - No idea.  I have been demoted to Commander so I will be probably transferred to another ship under the command of someone else.

She sighed, despite what she had always thought of him, she felt really sorry for him. He looked really miserable although he was trying hard to appear calm and confident; she could barely imagine what he was thinking of. – I am sorry all the same… - She repeated. – I… It was good to be under your command, you’re a good commander, Jim… - Did she really tell that?

\- Thank you… - He smirked sadly, then drank his new drink in another, long sip. – Come on, let’s go out for a walk…  - He motioned away from the counter standing up without even listening to her answer.  
She followed him outside the pub, along the street to the nice pedestrian waterfront. The pub in itself might have been rather run down but the surrounding area was very pleasant: perfectly paved and clean.  
Jim walked slowly, his hands shoved in the pockets of his jacket: he was more than 1,80 metre tall which made her feel small and tiny.

\- You’ll soon know who will take my place. With a bit of luck, it will be a good commander…  - His voice sounded rather unstressed,  more like Spock’s voice than his own. It was so weird to see him in that state: Jim Kirk had been always and explosion of enthusiasm, the kind of person who did not know the meaning of no-win scenario like that one seemed to be.  – You’ll do fine. You’re an excellent officer, Astrid, and you know your job damn well…

She smiled and shook her head: - I actually understood it was me who had to cheer you up, not the opposite.

\- I don’t need someone cheering me up! – He sneered while talking with quite a thick Iowa accent that made Astrid smile. – Why are you smiling? – He looked down at her, his voice was calm, almost entertained.

\- Your accent! It’s so… funny! – She grinned looking back into his blue eyes. The artificial light of the street lamps made them look almost dark so intensely blue they were. Jim was absolutely breath-taking and that had nothing to do with his character or general attitude: he was outrageously good looking.

\- What? – He blurted. – Have you ever heard yours? – He did an impression of her strange, Scandinavian accent stressing on the funny way she hardened some consonants.

\- No! No! –She squawked. – I am not talking like this!

\- You just did it! – He burst in a laugh.

\- No way! – He gently pushed him away laughing at herself.

\- Because you can’t hear you! “Yes Captain….” – He sweetly made fun of her foreign accent while trying to escape her attempts to jokingly beat him.

\- You’re a jerk! – She shouted at him unable to stop laughing.

\- Yes I know! You haven’t discovered anything new, Miss Norway… - He avoided another couple of Astrid’s attempts to hit him, then he nimbly grasped her wrists gently tugging her against him. – But I like your funny accent… - He whispered looking straight into her hazel eyes.

She bumped against his chest and stopped laughing immediately. That intense, blue gaze made her feel uneasy all at once, or maybe it wasn’t his gaze but her own indecision to make her feel that way. Her mind wanted her to set her wrists free and regain a distance between them. Her heart was pounding hard for being there loving that situation. – Release me… - She whispered but her request didn’t sound resolute at all.

\- I will if you want but you must ask it looking straight into my eyes! – He whispered back smiling sweetly. Old bastard! He knew that no girl could resist his icy gaze!

\- You’re a jerk! – She kept smiling looking at him repeating that absolute truth.

-Yes, I do know…  - His answer was barely audible. He bent his head toward her touching lightly her lips with his, brushing them with the tip of his tongue. For a few seconds he seemed almost uncertain, like a teenager at his very first date. Then, his tongue slowly made its way between her lips while his hands gently moved onto her hips moving her closer.  
She reacted naturally, her right hand dipping into his short, blonde hair, the left one on his hip, she didn’t even think of moving away. That strong, masculine scent of his enveloped her while their tongues were dancing together in that slow, deep kiss. Jim’s kiss was sweet but she could feel the underlying passion, the zero distance between them confirmed that feeling.  
He broke that kiss with a wet sound and smiled at her: - Upset, Miss Norway?  - He whispered sweetly.

\- Sure! I think I am not going to sleep, tonight! – She sneered walking slowly besides him, her left hand clasped in his right one.  
What was she doing? What were they doing? Walking hand in hand like two teenagers? Jim would probably forget everything that same next morning…

\- Thank you, Astrid… -  The train of her thoughts was stopped by his soft voice and a gentle squeeze of her hand.

\- Pardon? – She shook her hand frowning slightly.

\- This story is really affecting me, I can’t deny it and if you hadn’t entered that pub, I would have probably ended up by having an hangover… It sounds rather miserable, doesn’t it?

She nodded still keeping her hands clasped in his warm one: - Definitely. - She even went on figuring out the end of that miserable night: Jim would have woken up with some unknown lady sleeping besides him in his bed. 

\- I am going to take you home. I must be a gentleman! – He smirked again clearly amused by that slight allusion.

Astrid’s mind was in total confusion:  she was feeling awesome with him but still she harboured doubts. Meanwhile, she was hoping that that kiss would have meant something and not only a whim.  
They chatted quietly on the way back home, Jim didn’t  try to kiss her again although his look was soft and sweet every time he laid it on her.  
They stopped in front of her front door, an awkward silence fell between them just the last time they parted ways in that same spot.  
\- Well… I think it is time to say good bye! – He almost whispered looking down straight into her eyes.

\- Yes. It is definitely time… - Astrid acknowledged the wavering  sound of her voice. She was worried he could mistake her tone for an invitation to come in but he didn’t. He didn’t move from his spot, his hands still firmly clasping her own.

He stepped closer and bent down again to brush her lips again for what it was meant to be a sweet kiss. She stepped backwards  and he pushed her against the wall deepening the kiss, his hands roaming on her hips. Jim’s teeth gently bit Astrid’s lips before kissing her passionately once more. The girl could clearly feel Jim’s arousal under his clothes and that sent her shivers all throughout her while she grabbed his nape keeping him closer.

 - Jim…Jim… please…. – She panted. – Jim… you should go home… - It took her a lot to say so but she was sure it would have been the only right thing to do despite being unable to break that kiss.

He stepped backwards as If he had woken up from a dream: - Yes… oh yes… you’re right… I am sorry… - His blue eyes were literally blazing. He smiled somehow awkward and nodded: - Good night, Astrid and… thank you again! – He stepped backwards for a few steps before turning on his heels and walk home.

Astrid quickly walked in her flat and locked the door leaning against it. She was panting, her skin was on fire and her mind completely blown. She really didn’t know what to hope or expect from the future; for her own sake she decided to think that Jim had behaved that way because he was confused, sad and probably needed a shoulder to lean on.

But if Jim really meant those kisses to have a different meaning?


	5. Into Darkness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Astrid confided what happened with Jim to Roa who suggests her to never believe him.   
> Following John Harrison's attack to the Starfleet Headquarters and the death of Rear Admiral Pike, the Enterprise is sent to search and apprehend Harrison.   
> The rest of the chapter follows "Into Darkness" plot from Astrid's point of view.

She desperately needed clarity, she had to speak to someone about what had happened even if she knew that that someone would have been fully disappointed.

\- You kissed Jim? – Roa stressed every single word glaring at her.

The evening was warm and sweet, just another pleasant evening in San Francisco so she had invited her friend for a walk and a drink at their favourite café in front of the bay.   
Sitting at a small round table, Astrid didn’t find any word to answer her friend, she just nodded slowly with an embarrassed look.

\- You’re nuts, Astrid. You’ve been always very clear about your feelings for him, you always told me you couldn’t stand him and you were very believable. – She gestured while speaking. – What happened? I mean… what kind of mojo does this man have? – Roa was clearly striving to be calm but her voice couldn’t hide her annoyance.

\- I… I don’t know… - Astrid muttered shaking her head and looking at the bay. – It simply happened that I met him in that bar and then we went out for a walk and then… - She was blatantly hiding some important details like her role in what happened on Nibiru and that she actually knew he was in that pub.

Roa’s look told it all. – And then, for no known reason, you found yourself stuck to him.- She sighed heavily tilting her head to the side: - Don’t believe him, Astrid. Don’t believe anything he tells you, you know him… - She warned her friend in all seriousness.

Astrid shrugged playing with the small paper napkin: - There is nothing to believe, Roa. I am positive that he has already forgotten everything.

\- Does this annoy you? – Her friend frowned slightly shifting her position on the chair.

The girl shook her head  slowly: - Not at all… It was just… a moment, he was so sad and lonely and I think that this is what brought him to kiss me.

Astrid’s communicator buzzed and she lazily picked it up to read the message. Her face went blank: - Oh my God… - She barely whispered.

Roa bent over the table trying to steal a glimpse of the message: - What’s happening?

Astrid’s voice was weak and shaken: - An…and attack at the headquarters… Rear Admiral Pike is dead. – She stared at the message on the communicator unable to raise her gaze or say anything else.

Roa stood up almost overturning her chair: - What?? – She shook her head violently: - It can’t be true, it’s a bad joke, isn’t it?? – She placed her hands on the table, they were clearly shaking.

Astrid shook her head slowly still looking at the message:  - I am afraid it is not. I must be ready to return to Enterprise as soon as I get the order. – She raised her gaze to meet Roa’s.

\- Who? Why? – Her friend was actually wondering the same things she was also thinking.

\- No idea, there isn’t any other information here, only to get ready.  – All at once, all her thoughts and questions about Jim seemed miles away. An heavy, disturbing feeling creeped in her mind. She quickly paid the bill and walked to her flat followed by Roa. They didn’t utter a word along all the short journey home. Their neighbourhood was buzzing with people, other officers and cadets talking about what had happened but each one had their own idea, no official statement. Nevertheless, the most common version was that there was an emergency meeting called at the headquarters and a lunatic gunned the meeting room through a window from a small aircraft and Rear Admiral Pike was sadly killed.   
Everything seemed so absurd; how could a lunatic simply fire against the Starfleet Headquarters and not be immediately shot down?   
Astrid spent a very agitated night, each time she tried to fall asleep, she was chased by nightmares of a new war between the Federation of Planets and an unknown enemy.   
She woke up early but she found out she wasn’t tired at all, what she wanted was to know everything about what had happened. She took a quick shower putting on her blue uniform; the day was rather ugly and rainy, just the appropriate weather to match her mood. As soon as she stepped out from her bedroom, her communicator buzzed again: she finally received the order to embark Enterprise immediately. She barely had time to send a message to Roa to let her know she was leaving again.  
On the shuttle to the Enterprise she wondered who would have commanded the ship after Rear Admiral Pike’s death. More than likely, Commander Spock would have acted as Captain; she didn’t know whether to be glad or not of that solution. As all Vulcans, Spock was extremely rational and law-abiding, although this made of him a totally reliable captain, it also made him very aloof and somehow difficult to relate with.   
The shuttle gently landed in the bay and she got off joining the rest of the crew.

\- Hello Nyota… - She nodded at the pretty girl who was standing only a  few meters away from her, she also looked very worried.

\- Hello Astrid. What a tragedy!  - Nyota replied shaking her head. The young xenolinguist was one of the nicest people Astrid had ever met. She was  brilliant, resolute and very pleasant but in that moment she looked extremely sad.

\- Did you get any news? – Astrid stopped next to her while other members of the staff were swarming around them like crazy bees. She, as everyone else, knew about the relationship between Nyota and Commander Spock so she hoped she could know more but Nyota shook her head again looking at her sadly.

\- No, I am sorry. Spock didn’t tell me anything but I suppose he’s been so busy he hasn’t even had time to contact me. –She shrugged and then reached the turbolift with Astrid. – See you later, Astrid! – She smiled when the young Norwegian Ensign stopped at the level of her laboratory.

A few minutes after leaving the docks and entering the warp drive, the intercom broadcasted a well-known voice. Astrid lifted her head from her research and listened to the message very carefully: so the attack was the work of a Starfleet renegade called John Harrison who had fled to Qo’Nos and there they were flying to. Jim’s voice was extremely stern while describing their duty and how sensitive it was. The diplomatic relations with the Klingon Empire weren’t at their best and entering the Klingon space could have the same meaning of a war declaration, because of that they had to be very discrete: send a group of people on Qo’Nos, apprehend Harrison and take him back to Earth to be properly tried.   
Astrid felt quite surprised to hear that Jim had been reinstated as the commander of Enterprise  but after all, she was happy. Her mood lifted all the way.  
The warp fly didn’t go smooth, the ship went out from it jolting abruptly sending Astrid right down on the floor.

That was the beginning of all their troubles. They had stopped right into the Klingon space and could have been detected at any moment causing a war. Jim decided to reach the planet surface together with Nyota, Spock and two security officers to find and apprehend John Harrison who was hiding in a remote, deserted province. For the very first time, Astrid felt truly worried for Jim’s safety although she tried to plainly ignore that new feeling. The mission lasted a few hours but it seemed to her as if the time had passed so much slowly and not even busying herself in her job was enough to stop thinking of Jim.   
She was along the corridor when John Harrison was escorted to his jail among an entire security team: he looked disturbingly cool and quiet. There was almost a smirk on his face almost as if he was plotting something.   
She didn’t like him in the slightest.   
She would have liked to talk to Jim, make sure that he was fine but it was impossible to meet him as long as he was on duty  and that wasn’t surely the moment to enjoy some free time. More problems arose:  Chief Engineer Montgomery Scott had left the ship before leaving Earth and there were rumours about 72 torpedoes stocked in the cargo hold. Why on Earth the Enterprise was carrying 72 torpedoes? Weren’t they meant to be an exploration mission?   
Why was Harrison so quiet despite his imprisonment?   
What happened next was so confused that she barely had time to understand it. She had no reason to go to the bridge deck and Nyota was too busy to let her know what was going on. Her colleagues in the laboratory didn’t know more than her so, when the ship was hit by something quite huge and everything that was on her desk crashed on the floor, she was totally flabbergasted.   
From that moment on, she was slammed all over the laboratory and the corridor outside it, rolling upside down, almost risking her life when the ship capsized after being hardly attacked by something definitely bigger than Enterprise.

When the calm returned, most of the crew was injured and many members were even died. The Enterprise was seriously damaged and she also had some bruises, cuts and a couple of fractured bones. She managed to reach the bridge deck where she found people in tears. Nyota was also devastated and she sensed there was something more than the death of many colleagues.

\- Nyota… Nyota what’s happening? –She approached her friend trying to leap over the debris.

Her friend shook her head, her hands still on her mouth: - Captain Kirk, Astrid…  - She couldn’t end the sentence.

Astrid felt that disturbing feeling creeping again making her shiver: - Captain Kirk… what? – She realised how heavy was to pronounce those words.

\- He’s dead! – Nyota uttered those words gulping quietly. – He’s dead, Astrid!

The girl blinked several times, leaned against a console and felt her heart missing a beat: - What are you saying? Dead? – She whispered.

Nyota nodded slowly: - He.. he saved us all. He entered the reactor chamber to realign the warp core. There was no other way to reactivate it and save us… But you know, nobody can survive such strong radiations…. – She seemed exhausted.

Astrid listened to her words but the more Nyota was speaking, the less she was listening to her. There was only one fact that meant to her and that being Jim was dead.   
She didn’t listen to anything else, she stormed out of the bridge deck feeling a hole in her chest.


	6. Showing the way out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Weeks have passed by since the alleged death of James T. Kirk and Astrid is still very much depressed.   
> The Enterprise is still under heavy repairs and her crew is scattered around. The young Norwegian Ensign prefers to stay home all the time with the only company of her friend Roa.   
> One day she receives a mysterious communication from Doctor MacCoy to go to the Medical Centre.

She didn’t even listen to the doctors when the Enterprise docked and all the crew was transferred to Earth for medical help. Her eyes were staring at an indefinite point in front of her and she barely answered to the doctors’ questions. She had bruises on her face, cuts on her hands and a fractured arm but nothing was so painful as knowing that Jim was dead.  None of her injuries was serious and she could return to job as soon as the Enterprise would have been operative again.   
She didn’t remember much of the first two days after her return home except it rained all the time. Her friends called in to see her and keep her company but she didn’t seem to really care of all their loving attention. Everybody was sure she was shocked; after all she had believed to be about to die and such an emotional strain does not pass in a matter of days. She strived to smile to her friends, to talk and be the usual self but it was obvious she was putting much effort into it.  
Only Roa knew the cause of her gloom wasn’t only the shock of thinking she was about to die but that she was suffering for knowing James T.  Kirk had died.   
They had talked a lot about it in those two days as if talking could bring him back to life; Astrid still found hard to believe that Jim Kirk, the intolerable big talker could be an hero and sacrifice himself to save all his crew.

“I am so sorry…” Roa shook her head holding her cup of spice tea in her hands. She was sitting cross-legged on the sofa next to her. She had said the same thing uncountable times over the last two weeks but she felt like it wasn’t still enough. It was rather clear to her that despite her recommendations, something had been going on between her friend and the young captain of the Enterprise.   
Two weeks had passed since Jim’s death, two weeks Astrid spent mainly at home refusing to see almost everybody, distancing herself from the outer world.

“Thanks, Roa. I know you are… “ Astrid sipped her own tea heaving an heavy sigh. “I still can’t believe it… Well, I can’t believe a lot of things. I can’t believe he’s… gone and I can’t believe he was a hero!”

“Nobody could.” Roa answered quietly. “Let’s be frank, Astrid, who could imagine that? He was such a… jerk! He lost the command to his own individualism and arrogance no later than a few weeks ago…”

Her friend nodded silently breathing in the strong scent of the Vulcan spice tea.

“What will you do?” Roa asked sweetly,  tilting her head to the side and looking at the sad face of her friend.

Astrid shrugged: “I’ll go back to the Enterprise as soon as she will be ready again to leave the docks.  I suppose Commander Spock will be the new captain. Life goes on, doesn’t it? “ She smiled dolefully.

“You’re…” Roa’s sentence was halted by the buzz of Astrid’s communicator.

Astrid shuddered: that device was lately bringing only bad news. She reached out to pick it from the small, low table besides the sofa and frowned after reading the message: “It’s Doctor McCoy, he wants me to reach him at the hospital now. I guess it must be about my blood tests…” She said dully slowly standing up as if that simple action had been so much hard. “Thank you for your company, Roa, I’ll let you know about my tests…”

Roa stood up and smiled to her hugging her for a long moment: “Yes, please do and do not wear yourself out. I’ll be here on your return…” The young Orion girl was proving to be a real friend of Astrid, she had stayed with her all the time even sleeping at her home to keep her company and provide help.

The Starfleet Medical Centre wasn’t too far from her home so she decided to walk there enjoying the warm sun that was peeking out from behind a thick layer of dark clouds. By the time she reached the huge building, the clouds had almost completely vanished while the sky was tinged of a slight orange hue. The sun was slowly setting down: the evening was going to be amazing, it was a pity she wasn’t in the right mood to enjoy it.

“Hello!” She smiled at the young receptionist behind the huge counter located at the left of the wide entrance. “I am Ensign Astrid Larsen. Could you please tell me where I can find Doctor MacCoy? I received a message from him…”

The receptionist kindly smiled and nodded: “Let me check, Ensign Larsen…” She made sure the girl in front of her was who she claimed to be and then checked Doctor MacCoy’s appointments by swiftly typing on her touchscreen. Then she nodded again:  “Yes, Ensign, Doctor MacCoy is waiting for you. Floor 20, Special Ward 2, Room 12.”

Astrid smiled and thanked the girl before heading to the lift. There was something  that didn’t sound right: why going up to the 20th floor and to the special ward to only receive the results of her blood tests? She had never been in that area of the hospital. While the lift was going up, she suddenly felt the grip of fear: what if there was something wrong? Maybe she was sick and had to leave the Starfleet. The more she was approaching the special ward, the more she felt worried and her heart pounding heavily.   
She rushed out of the lift and as soon as she entered the long, bright corridor of the Special Ward 2, she spotted Doctor MacCoy in his total white medical uniform standing just out of the Room Number 12. She stopped in front of him smiling rather uncomfortably: “Doctor… I came as soon as I received your message. Is it for my blood tests? Is there something wrong?” She looked at him unable to hide all her concern.

Doctor MacCoy smiled reassuringly and shook his head slowly: “No, Ensign. I haven’t summoned you for your blood tests. By the way, they are perfect. You are healthy. You are here for another reason and well… Please…” He lay his right hand on the knob and opened the door. He let her in: “I’ll be back in a few minutes…” He nodded and closed the door slowly and silently after she stepped inside.   
The room was rather small and empty, softly lit by the warm sunset light coming through the huge glass wall in front of her.  
She slowly turned her head to look at the bed on far left side of the room and what she saw caused her heart to miss a beat. She opened her eyes wide and shook her head unable to believe her eyes: “Jim? Is it you??” Her voice was shaky like her legs. She stood still a few meters away from him, unable to walk ahead so sure she was that she would have collapsed to the pavement if she had tried to.

Jim Kirk was lying in bed, his back comfortably resting on pillows. He was smiling although he looked so weak. His pale complexion was highlighted by the simple, white hospital robe he was wearing but his eyes, they were still the same, bright and blue. “Hello, Astrid…” He whispered  looking straight at her.

“We thought… I thought you were dead!” She stuttered reaching his bed slowly almost fearing that he was only a vision that was about to vanish. She stopped besides the bed looking at him intensely: it was Jim without doubt and he was alive! She smiled even warmer, her eyes filled with surprise.

“Well… I was but Bones  synthesized a sort of serum from Khan’s blood and well… here I am again…” He winked.

“It is a miracle! A true miracle!” She whispered reaching out to touch his left arm to make sure he was real.

“Bones will be pleased to know you deem him capable of miracles!” He joked nodding. Then, he suddenly grasped Astrid’s small hand squeezing it gently.   
There was no doubt that Jim was alive, he was not a vision or a virtual image. The large wall display showed all his vital parameters: they were almost normal .

“So, won’t you kiss your captain? Aren’t you happy to see me again?” He kept teasing her sweetly as if he was recovering from a simple flu.

“Ki… Kiss you?” She felt completely, utterly confused. “Here? But what If someone comes in? What if Doctor MacCoys steps in… what i….” Jim gently tugged her against him, she lost her balance falling on his chest.

“Stop blabbing…” He whispered and smiled looking straight into her eyes. He kissed her sweetly although she could clearly feel a hint of passion lingering beneath the gentleness.  She anchored herself to his shoulders finding herself unable to part from him.  
All the sorrow and the gloom of the past days simply melted away like snow in the warm rays of that sunset. Jim was alive and she felt so elated!

When she stood up again, a sudden sense of embarrassment rushed through her, she blushed looking away toward the large display.

“I dreamt of you while I was lying here unconscious.” Jim’s voice was quiet and warm. “Well, I actually dreamt of many things and many people but I can’t remember much about most of them but I remember of you…” He paused looking at her. She could feel his gaze on her even if she was looking away.

“Me?” She gaped at him. She didn’t expect him to have dreamt of her during his coma so sure she was that she had been only a very short flirt for him, like so many other girls before her.

He nodded slowly placing his hands neatly in front of him on the blanket. “Yes… You opened the door of your home but instead of entering your place, I found myself  in the pub at Riverside where I first met Rear Admiral Pike…” The corners of his mouth bent downwards in a sad smile. “He dared me to do better than my father...”  He sighed looking outside the window for a long, thoughtful moment. “There were many voices…” He then resumed talking. “And then a black hole and the silence… And I finally woke up.”  
He was looking at her again.

Astrid was still standing up besides his bed: she was wondering if also the rest of the crew was aware that their captain was still alive or she had been called to learn it before the others.   
He patted on the mattress: “Sit down, Astrid, won’t you stand up all the time! It makes me feel uneasy!” He was smiling again as usual, teasing her. She was rather positive that James Kirk couldn’t feel embarrassed by someone standing in front of him, she actually didn’t even know if he could feel anything close to embarrassment.   
She sat down looking at him; despite the illness he still looked gorgeous, the pale complexion somehow enhanced those deep blue eyes and the lost pounds seemed to boost his full lips.

“I am sure you showed me the way home…” He finally ended his story smiling at her again gently brushing her left hand laying on the blanket.

“Oh no… I didn’t do anything alike!” She exclaimed shaking her head. “You were on strong drugs and God knows what Khan’s blood can make people see!”

Jim chuckled softly. “I know you are a scientist, Astrid! Not exactly as strict as Spock but I know that it is hard for you to believe you could have helped me out from my coma but I do believe this.” He articulated clearly those last four words.

Astrid felt at loss, unable to utter anything. She still felt so much happy to see Jim alive, the usual Jim. She shook her head looking at his left hand brushing her own, then slowly entangling his fingers with hers. “I want you do something for me, when I’ll be out of here.” He added.

She slowly raised her eyes to meet his: “What?” Her voice sounded much like a whisper.

“Go out with me. I want to invite you out. Nothing like a pub or an excursion. Just a proper night out: a classy restaurant, nice outfit, gorgeous view…” He paused for a moment before adding one of his quips. “I look gorgeous in proper clothes!”

She couldn’t help smiling: “I see you feel definitely better, you are back to your old self, you poser!” She had no doubts he could look wonderfully in any garment and probably even without it. She quickly got rid of that last thought. “Ok…” She nodded. “Ok… we’ll go out for an unforgettable night!” She teased.

Jim squeezed her hand gently but quickly disentangled it as soon as he heard Bone’s footsteps outside the door. Astrid sprang up just a few moments before the doctor came into the room. She tried to hide her uncontrollable joy while Jim looked totally at his ease, such brazen! He seemed to be miles away from what he had just told her while her heart was still beating like a drum.

“Time to let the Captain have his rest!” Doctor MacCoy didn’t seem interested in Jim or Astrid’s face, he tapped something on the display and nodded: “Your parameters are very good, Jim, you’ll be out of here very soon.” He then turned around to look at Astrid. “You can come tomorrow to take the results of your blood tests, Ensign Larsen but I will need you to return in the next days.”

Astrid’s smile waned immediately. So, what was the truth? Doctor MacCoy had told her that she was fine but now he was telling her that he needed to see her again.  “Well, see you again out of here, captain!” She nodded taking in a last sight of Jim suddenly eager to know what was wrong with herself.

Doctor MacCoy followed her outside the room, then stopped right after closing the door and whispered in an almost conspirational way: “Jim wants to see you again while he is here. He says that your company helps his recover. I don’t want to know anything about it but the only way I have to make you come here without arousing any suspicion is to summon you here for further examinations. Don’t worry there won’t be any, it’s just an excuse. “ He shook his head looking jokingly dismayed. “He will end up by making me expel from the Fleet…”

Astrid couldn’t hide a smile: “Doctor, how many people know that Jim is alive? Am I authorised to spread the news?”

Doctor MacCoy nodded slowly: “Not many people know right now but the word will spread quickly. You are not supposed to know because you were not supposed to be here. But… you might have heard the news from someone else… There will be an official statement but I see no reason why the crew of our ship couldn’t know beforehand.”

Astrid walked back home in the mild, scented evening. So many things had changed so suddenly in a matter of one simple hour. Jim was alive and he wanted to go out with her. She didn’t know what that meant, maybe he just wanted to thank her because he really believed she had shown him a way out from death. She decided to stick to that explanation not allowing her to believe Jim could have feelings for her. Maybe, once he had completely recovered, he would have just moved on.

Was she ready to take the risk? Was she simply pretending she was strong enough to quietly accept the chance he could forget her once he was again on the bridge deck of the Enterprise?   
Yes, after all it was only an evening out, a nice restaurant, nothing more…

Was it really nothing more?


End file.
